I was 19 when I started micro-dosing psychedelic mushrooms with my ex-boyfriend. We would take turns, go on walks, and describe our experiences to each other. Micro-dosing brought a lot of good feelings, often very subtle changes like a more open mind, realizing the interconnectedness of life, and appreciation of nature. At the time I was a pagan practicing witchcraft. That being said, these types of experiences were not foreign to me. I was always looking to find answers in nature and indulging in my flesh.
Previous to this, when I was 17 I had left the Christian church for various reasons, one being the disconnect I had with God, the bad treatment of scripture in church and the lack of love from its members. I did not realize at the time I was blaming God for what his children had done.
One night I accidently took much more than a micro-dose. We didn’t have a scale yet and we were eating mushrooms with pizza. When I thought I was taking maybe about 1 gram, I took about 4.5 grams. That is just about a macro dose, especially for a 5’4 girl who has never eaten that much mushroom before. I slowly started falling asleep and woke up to a vision.
When I woke up I looked down to the carpet and saw fractal marching men all walking together. I started laughing to myself because it made so much sense, men marching on carpets that men march on. It was so funny to me that the carpet would be made up of what it is used for and by. It is still funny to my brain today. I looked in the mirror, something people tell you never to do on mushrooms, and my face was the moon, but my face. I looked so sad and I still don’t know how to describe it. When I went back to lie down on my bed, the light from the sun slowly started casting through my window onto the ceiling. I started to see how the light itself shifted into a presence, it was quite peaceful and I felt very comfortable with him there.
Shapes started appearing, I saw angels appear around clouds, below them apostles, below them disciples, below them my family and friends in heaven. I recognized all of them and they all were smiling down at me. I started to feel so much love, it was pouring out of the light. I felt tangible unconditional, eternal love start pouring into me. I started smiling, giggling, and laughing at this beautiful feeling. It felt like being in love. It was an effortless feeling like I was floating in space. As I realized it, God started speaking to me internally without words, but through understanding and wisdom. He started telling me things I don’t remember, but I do remember feeling so happy and loved. I knew God was standing above me, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and The Father. I knew right there he was three in one. He was eternally all three at once, and all three separately. It was a profound feeling even while I lay there in the most open and understanding place of my life.
The best part was feeling God’s love pour into me. It was a fatherly love I had never had, a brotherly love I needed, and a comforting love I could rest in. I felt worthy despite my sin and shame. I felt loved despite being in a relationship with a man who didn’t love me. Many times I go back to that place mentally, hoping to remember that feeling of love. It is worth more than anything in this world. It is what heaven may feel like. It is worth a whole life of obedience to grasp even for a moment.
The vision itself was exciting. Now looking back I would never do drugs like that again. Not because I didn’t enjoy them, but because it is an illegal way to reach spiritual realms and it is a very easy way for the enemy to attack and lie. Prayer and fasting are a much better and Biblical way to reach God and hear his voice more clearly. A free source for that would also be reading the Bible. One important part of this vision was that after all I saw, heard, felt, and experienced I still did not believe in Jesus. Seeing is not believing. Although through taking mushrooms I was open to more spiritual truth, I did not understand that Jesus is God, and what I saw WAS truth! How insane that I had this crazy experience but it was months later I finally saw God for who he is, as much as I could. It took months of God convincing me he is real, the God of the Christian bible is real. How graceful is God for giving me chance after chance to see him in his true light. He gave me time and proof that he is real. God is such a gentleman, pursuing me with patience and vigor, never giving up on his bride. I only hope to have a faithful love like his.
Mushrooms in a way made me see God, but it was God himself, putting his manifest presence into my sinfulness that got me to love and believe in him. He is the most kind, most caring, most loving being to ever exist. How wonderful that the God of the universe cares for someone as small as me. God reaches to us in our darkness and pulls us out without blemishing his own light. He alone is Holy, Holy, Holy. He alone is good. God alone is faithful and true. I am so blessed and thankful to have a God so good that he would appear to me while I did such a stupid thing like drugs. Thank you Jesus, thank you Lord.
Homesteading Honey 
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